Calling Me!

As I woke up today morning, I could hear it, calling, shouting out to me and telling me to come yonder, to cross over. I take a breath of the morning freshness but quickly enough it becomes stale ,I have tasted this air before ,I loathe  the feeling  that is just the same as yesterday, and the day before ,I have come to hate familiar noises  only now louder ,I swear I can hear all the cares of this world, each and every one of them announcing their importance. Am shouting too, I think am trying to say something, but I can’t hear me, nobody can hear me.

There it is again, the nudging, the whisper ….I hear it “Go Deeper”. Then it’s numb again, it’s buzzing again. Oh…I would give anything for a near death experience right now; then maybe just maybe it would wake me back to life (weird thought).I figure it’s better to feel the chilling cold kiss of death or the burning sensation of life through my veins …just not lukewarm, nobody likes lukewarm!

“Come yonder to higher places” I have heard you call before, I hear you call every morning. I look into your eyes; I feel your touch, your arms rubbing through my back, my aching back…my aching soul. Where do you hide? I am weary, I fall through the maze, and it’s dark…now I can’t feel you. Your gone, you have forsaken me…my forsaken soul. I can’t keep up; I was hurt in the fall. So I will stay here, scorched by the sun.

But I long to be in the shadow, to dwell in the shelter. How can I find a fortress where I will get refuge? When I get there I will be safe, covered by your feathers, protected from the terror by night. Be my dwelling oh Most High, I pray you bear me in your hands, like a child. Teach me to set my love upon you and only you, May I know your name, set me upon high places Oh God. Satisfy me with long life…to live…to live oh God. How do I get there, to the Mercy Seat? Answer me as I call you in my day of trouble.Hide me under your wings. I don’t want to find my way out…not out of your presence ,may I stay forever lost .May I never be found again.

I hear you calling me, I don’t know how to answer…help my unbelief, I am broken,  my spirit contrite .

Lu -Ish

More Than Conquerors

The year is coming to an end. If someone cared to ask me ,I would wish for an extension, maybe a few more months, if that was possible …then maybe I would be able to salvage the time I feel I wasted, because suddenly as the year closes ,seems like my minds sees it the perfect time to come up with a number of grand ideas on what I could have should have done ,somehow I feel like with a little bit more time I could tie off some loose ends ,fill cracks here and there and viola  be ready for the new year.

You see this was the year of my breakthrough, I was expecting my victory .To be honest, I have been so expectant, for something exceptional. Every day I woke up in the morning hoping that this would be the day that I would finally get that feeling. The feeling that today  would finally be the day that I would be ready for take-off, that I would finally know the taste of victory….I mean ,who doesn’t want to win. Sometimes I feel like I could almost grab it, but its elusive, slips right through my fingers every time.

So I wonder will I wake up one day and feel like I have arrived, like I finally won and I would not have to have this empty longing ,this urge that I could do better, that I needed to be on my feet…to rush it  because apparently time was not on my side. Constantly going back and forth in my mind, wondering what magic ingredient I needed to add so that finally I could wake up to a sigh of relief and finally say I made it….I have victory…I won.

But what exactly is to win?When do I sit back and say now I have it. Does it always have to be a vicious cycle…..was I a total looser this year? Did everything I did flop?

Come to think of it, when I look back at this year 2014,I might just have had some major breakthroughs in my life. Of course I did not find a bag full of money dropped at my front door…(yah I fantasize about that ,don’t we all) …but honestly I did have good in my life. When I look back at the years, I would choose me now over any other era in my life. In fact when I look at things closely, I have had a series of victories over the course of this year. I might not yet have my dream job but at least I got a promotion ...sort off and with that came the move to a different city, which I honestly Love.I enjoy learning and experiencing this new culture, I get to be close to the ocean…and not to mention the new friends I have made.

Every time I woke up in the morning; that was a win for me. When I got through the toughest times in my life, I won.Every time I blocked negative thoughts and switched to speaking good into my life I won. I was counted a winner when I accomplished my tasks for the day no matter how little .I might not have finalized on everything I started, but I started something, so that counts….I know I have the courage and help to finish.

My greatest blessing this year is that, I have grown closer to myself; I know that's a break through and in here emerges a confident woman .Am no longer afraid of fear because what it simply means to me is that I need to just push through it and will most definitely be pleasantly surprised at what lies on the other side....that's courage. I honor myself because I know I was cut out of a Rock that is higher than I .There are no timelines, there’s only God’s time. So I will give myself a pat on the back, and wake up again to receive my victories.

Encourage yourself and be proud of yourself, you are winning.

 Luv 

Ish

There's Alot More To Know.....You Know.

I catch you staring at me and I shyly smile back at you but I don’t let our eyes lock  , just not long enough for you to know me, Just enough to let you see my beautiful almond shaped eyes and maybe let you feel the  intensity in which they can pierce .I see you like what you see and you hope to like what you get to know .There’s a lot more you know

I’d like to think I am mysterious  ;-)  …not always to me though, you see sometimes I feel like an open book, an unprotected  document  for people to read what they perceive , and write what they conclude .Oh well… but that’s only sometimes, it happens to the best of us I guess! But to you I can be mysterious, if that’s what you like.

But I promise you my mind is mysterious, Lol (hides face in palms) ….oh yes that am sure, even I get intrigued by it. It’s never quiet up here; to be honest I think I talk more in my mind than I would to you. Am still trying to tame my imaginations hmm…. But am thinking it’s good to live a little on the wild side. I create my own tiny world, where I am in charge, am the boss .I will let you in once in a while, you will love the adventure, I promise. I hope my mind will not overpower you.

I used to be afraid of height; I still am, but heck…. How else can one live life if not sky high, like a kite up high…hahahaha. If I was to compare myself to an animal, I would be a Gazelle. I really don’t know why, I just think I move like one. Calm in nature but a force to reckon with …that is if you want to make me your prey(hides face again)!I Will laugh at most of your Jokes…I promise.

I know you feel it, my heart pounding, it gets intense sometimes. Av been told I am very transparent….. I've tried to hide my emotions, not to be too emotional and boy did it change me.  I did not want to show pain, I was afraid to express my fears; no I could not allow them to see distress, I did not want to hear what unfortunately we are labelled….. ‘Nags’. Sadly it changed me! It changed me so much that I did not know how to relate with my emotions, I lost the authenticity of my soul.  I wasn't sure if I was loving or being clingy, I was afraid to give more than was asked because maybe it would be too much….Its not fun just doing your duty. Wow…breath in breath out. It’s a good sign though, the fact that you feel the pounding, the heartbeat. maybe you have the power to bring it all rushing back. I think some of us were just created to feel it all, the good the bad. And wouldn't you love that, no walls, no barriers, nothing in between, just pure and true emotions, just imagine ,pure infusion of souls.

But I still get afraid; you will know when I feel it, that part I can never hide. Just know that when I do ,I will run to you not away from you, so don’t turn me down, don’t look away .Just hold me, Because  all that I crave is the security in your embrace, just the illusion of you building a fortress around me. Don’t scold me because am in a panic, just don’t let me go through it alone and I promise you that I will never let you face fear alone, If you let me.

Would you help me find me…. I will help you. I was created to do that, I am your helper. I promise you no one dull moment. I have  been told I am too spirited, I hope you don’t mind that.

Always

Luv- Ish

Story Time......maybe you can help me with the Story Line

She looked down at her wrist watch, in a couple of hours life as she knew it would change. She had to leave everything behind, all she had worked for, everyone she loved. She had left in such a hurry that she did not even have time to pack anything.

The bustling and busy terminus was getting too uncomfortable for her, it made her uneasy. Too much movement.She felt the urge to want to control every movement, to monitor every situation around her.

"ohh God! …If only I had monitored the situation in my life", she thought.

She wondered if the people around her could tell how on the edge she was. She felt her heart’s echo in her mouth. She looked down at the time again; it felt like it had stood still, purposefully rendering her stuck in that unpleasant moment, unpleasant eternity. If only she could get moving, she just needed to keep going, maybe the further she got away the more the reality would change.

But where exactly was she going? Did she really think that running away could change what had happened? Her life was a total mess now, her future permanently altered for the worst. If only she could sink further and further into the hole she had dag by her own two hands and burry herself to oblivion, anything, just as long as she would not have to relive this day.

So there she sat, wondering how everyone else’s life seemed to be moving on a day such as this. She knew that this was it, her last chance to do what was right, turn herself in and face the consequences of her wrong choices …but as easy as that sounded she knew she was not that brave, wouldn’t it be easier to live a fugitive life, hopping to tame the demons that now stare endlessly at her.

Suddenly her thoughts became so  overwhelming, she was at the mercies of her impulses feeling  as though something had grabbed her by the neck, she struggled to breathe as her body shook uncontrollably .Her head felt  light and she knew she was about to pass out……..

……….To be continued………  

 Luv Ish

A Champion Of Faith ;I Honor you My Uncle

A tribute to you my dear Uncle, you have fought the good fight, you have finished the race, you have kept the faith.

In my heart I have peace because I know you have gone home, now you know; now you understand; now you have Life.

You were brought to us to teach us patience, kindness, strength, forgiveness and love, a steadfast love.

You patiently understood us for in our human nature, we were quick to get tired, you were kind to us, not dwelling on anger or bitterness. We know you loved us, you loved us because we were your family,you loved your parents ,you loved your sisters and brothers ,you loved all regardless…We loved you too.

Yes your love for God was steadfast. I remember hearing you praying in your room.You did not ask why, you did not complain about how heavy the burden was, you just simply worshiped, with tears of reverence flowing down your face ,you honored your Creator.

You are a champion of faith. Not a single day did your faith waiver.You encouraged even those that were ‘stronger’ and helped those more ‘capable’. Your life is a testimony, a testimony of resilience, a testimony that we can Love God even in the darkest of nights….and so you will be crowned in Glory.

You are resting in Abraham’s Bosom. You are close to Jesus, walking in streets of Gold,laughing and singing,dancing and praising,hand in hand with our Lord and Savior. You can see familiar faces…Champions who went before you. You are now made whole, surrounded with Love, perfect Love, for God Is Love.

We will miss you Uncle but we strive to fight the good fight and we will see you again.

Luv Ish

Knowing me....He Enjoys it.

Over the last Month I have been spending alot of time at the beach. I still can’t get enough of the mystery that lies in the large expanse. I find myself looking out into the waters hoping to see where the outline really ends but I know very well that this is an impossible fete, from my geography I understand how widespread these waters lie, I might never get to really see what lies on the other side and honestly if I am to understand any part of the waters it would be just but a micro fraction of this monster But I love to play with the water at the shores that I can manage and try to understand. The ripples play against each other with a rhythm that only they can understand. The sand underneath forming ridges and mounds that I like to smudge with my feet.

But I still wonder about the open seas, can I just dive in and swim across, maybe to some point, maybe just swim and swim and swim ....... I can’t though because I understand the waters are not always peaceful and friendly, I know the harshness that can come from the belly of this large body . I know there are creatures ,wonderful creatures, beautiful, strange ,slimy, spiky and also vicious creatures. But yet they are all  creations oh so beautiful.

 So I go home knowing that I cannot understand everything, but there is someone who takes time to know , the vastness of it all. The peaceful ripples, the high and low tides, the tsunamis and the eruptions underneath. There’s someone who is well acquainted with life underneath it and discerns the cycles and feeding patterns.

And........

As the vastness of the ocean is so am I, I stay at the shores, play with that which I can handle. I know there is a greater depth and undiscovered waters in me. I know the calm , the swoosh and the swash...but I also know the raging waters ,the  underwater waves waiting to erupt ,the tiny movement in the bedrocks that can cause massive destructions .

Yet there is someone who has taken His time to know me .Inside out he knows me...when am lying with no care in my mind, he knows why, when I just can’t seem to get out of bed because the world slept on me, cursing and chastising myself for not being an outstanding human being ,he perceives those thoughts. He is constantly aware, constantly understanding, constantly searching. When I can’t seem to learn a new skill as quickly as I want to,He is acquainted with all these I consider my ways.Even when I break out in laughter he discerns its journey from my heart.  

It feels so infringing, like someone is always gawking at my life...every single bit of it....

Yet it is so comforting, so relieving and intriguing that I am not the only one totally aware of my life's story and yes there's a custodian to more about me than I can understand or even try to explain. How humbling that this amazing man is My God and My Savior. How honored that He is present at every moment not to miss any snap shots of my life, to analyse, to caption my life with pleasant words of what He knows for sure  about me and what the future is .Most importantly to watch over me ,my ways,my thoughts ,my hopes ,dreams and paint a new over the canvas of my life.. 

All these He tells me,and this is how I understand it.....

Psalms 139:1-4

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me

You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar

You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways

Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely

Luv-ish ....

Just a Little Change

Been a minute, ok more than a minute.

Sigh…another big  sigh!

I look at myself in the mirror, I have changed I know I have. I don’t know yet how, I can’t tell yet if it’s for good or for bad, but in here it’s not the same.

I see inside those big mellow eyes, piercing through to my soul, searching every bit of me, ripping off the drapes, toppling and stumbling over it, pushing all that stands on the way….. Sigh!

I don’t think I even want to understand this change and no I am not really afraid of it, I just want to float in it, get lost in it and play with it…I want it to be bigger than me, much much bigger than me.

I am not anymore prettier than I used to be or less annoying, not stronger either, I still don’t know any better….. Maybe my frame much frailer.

I have changed because now I allow myself to get lost in desire, to want and to crave; I feel every little emotion that passed through my being not afraid even if it be of loss and pain. I catch myself daydreaming and not afraid to ask that it would come to pass, to laugh at how ambitious I am and believe that still I can.

I am passion in myself; I sing my stupidly self-composed songs out loud. I laugh when I should cry and cry when I should laugh… I love my tears, how they feel on my skin and how they taste on my lips. I want silence and darkness where I can only see and hear me and the one greater   than me .I imagine Ice and fire just nothing in-between……..

Luv -Ish