More Than Conquerors

The year is coming to an end. If someone cared to ask me ,I would wish for an extension, maybe a few more months, if that was possible …then maybe I would be able to salvage the time I feel I wasted, because suddenly as the year closes ,seems like my minds sees it the perfect time to come up with a number of grand ideas on what I could have should have done ,somehow I feel like with a little bit more time I could tie off some loose ends ,fill cracks here and there and viola  be ready for the new year.

You see this was the year of my breakthrough, I was expecting my victory .To be honest, I have been so expectant, for something exceptional. Every day I woke up in the morning hoping that this would be the day that I would finally get that feeling. The feeling that today  would finally be the day that I would be ready for take-off, that I would finally know the taste of victory….I mean ,who doesn’t want to win. Sometimes I feel like I could almost grab it, but its elusive, slips right through my fingers every time.

So I wonder will I wake up one day and feel like I have arrived, like I finally won and I would not have to have this empty longing ,this urge that I could do better, that I needed to be on my feet…to rush it  because apparently time was not on my side. Constantly going back and forth in my mind, wondering what magic ingredient I needed to add so that finally I could wake up to a sigh of relief and finally say I made it….I have victory…I won.

But what exactly is to win?When do I sit back and say now I have it. Does it always have to be a vicious cycle…..was I a total looser this year? Did everything I did flop?

Come to think of it, when I look back at this year 2014,I might just have had some major breakthroughs in my life. Of course I did not find a bag full of money dropped at my front door…(yah I fantasize about that ,don’t we all) …but honestly I did have good in my life. When I look back at the years, I would choose me now over any other era in my life. In fact when I look at things closely, I have had a series of victories over the course of this year. I might not yet have my dream job but at least I got a promotion ...sort off and with that came the move to a different city, which I honestly Love.I enjoy learning and experiencing this new culture, I get to be close to the ocean…and not to mention the new friends I have made.

Every time I woke up in the morning; that was a win for me. When I got through the toughest times in my life, I won.Every time I blocked negative thoughts and switched to speaking good into my life I won. I was counted a winner when I accomplished my tasks for the day no matter how little .I might not have finalized on everything I started, but I started something, so that counts….I know I have the courage and help to finish.

My greatest blessing this year is that, I have grown closer to myself; I know that's a break through and in here emerges a confident woman .Am no longer afraid of fear because what it simply means to me is that I need to just push through it and will most definitely be pleasantly surprised at what lies on the other side....that's courage. I honor myself because I know I was cut out of a Rock that is higher than I .There are no timelines, there’s only God’s time. So I will give myself a pat on the back, and wake up again to receive my victories.

Encourage yourself and be proud of yourself, you are winning.

 Luv 

Ish

There's Alot More To Know.....You Know.

I catch you staring at me and I shyly smile back at you but I don’t let our eyes lock  , just not long enough for you to know me, Just enough to let you see my beautiful almond shaped eyes and maybe let you feel the  intensity in which they can pierce .I see you like what you see and you hope to like what you get to know .There’s a lot more you know

I’d like to think I am mysterious  ;-)  …not always to me though, you see sometimes I feel like an open book, an unprotected  document  for people to read what they perceive , and write what they conclude .Oh well… but that’s only sometimes, it happens to the best of us I guess! But to you I can be mysterious, if that’s what you like.

But I promise you my mind is mysterious, Lol (hides face in palms) ….oh yes that am sure, even I get intrigued by it. It’s never quiet up here; to be honest I think I talk more in my mind than I would to you. Am still trying to tame my imaginations hmm…. But am thinking it’s good to live a little on the wild side. I create my own tiny world, where I am in charge, am the boss .I will let you in once in a while, you will love the adventure, I promise. I hope my mind will not overpower you.

I used to be afraid of height; I still am, but heck…. How else can one live life if not sky high, like a kite up high…hahahaha. If I was to compare myself to an animal, I would be a Gazelle. I really don’t know why, I just think I move like one. Calm in nature but a force to reckon with …that is if you want to make me your prey(hides face again)!I Will laugh at most of your Jokes…I promise.

I know you feel it, my heart pounding, it gets intense sometimes. Av been told I am very transparent….. I've tried to hide my emotions, not to be too emotional and boy did it change me.  I did not want to show pain, I was afraid to express my fears; no I could not allow them to see distress, I did not want to hear what unfortunately we are labelled….. ‘Nags’. Sadly it changed me! It changed me so much that I did not know how to relate with my emotions, I lost the authenticity of my soul.  I wasn't sure if I was loving or being clingy, I was afraid to give more than was asked because maybe it would be too much….Its not fun just doing your duty. Wow…breath in breath out. It’s a good sign though, the fact that you feel the pounding, the heartbeat. maybe you have the power to bring it all rushing back. I think some of us were just created to feel it all, the good the bad. And wouldn't you love that, no walls, no barriers, nothing in between, just pure and true emotions, just imagine ,pure infusion of souls.

But I still get afraid; you will know when I feel it, that part I can never hide. Just know that when I do ,I will run to you not away from you, so don’t turn me down, don’t look away .Just hold me, Because  all that I crave is the security in your embrace, just the illusion of you building a fortress around me. Don’t scold me because am in a panic, just don’t let me go through it alone and I promise you that I will never let you face fear alone, If you let me.

Would you help me find me…. I will help you. I was created to do that, I am your helper. I promise you no one dull moment. I have  been told I am too spirited, I hope you don’t mind that.

Always

Luv- Ish